I have sort of dreaded blogging. Ever since Wednesday night when we took Madelyn to the hospital, I have dreaded writing. Not because we were given bad news, because we weren't. Not because I had so much to say that it would take too long, because I didn't. I have just dreaded blogging because the way I have felt inside the last three days is the ugly side of me. The "incredibly critical, worrying, selfish, way too hard on myself (and those around me), self conscious, scared and overly sensitive" ugly side of me. The side that when it decides to creep out of hiding I really don't care to share.
When Madelyn choked due to reflux and yet again stopped breathing any sense of security that I had began to feel disappeared. My heart has not been at peace. My mind has constantly been racing. Why did I put her down? When will it happen again? Would she have snapped out of it on her own if I didn't pick her up? Will she grow out of this? Is it related to her breathing problems at birth? Will I ever be able to sleep without having nightmares of the unimaginable happening? And on and on and on. It never stops. Then I feel guilty that I have even let my mind visit some of the places it has been.
When Maddie was in the NICU and still on the vent, I had the worst day. The hardest time with my thoughts. I read the word "funeral" on something in the waiting room and lost it. I couldn't get it out of my mind. It was miserable. This week, my thoughts, the worrying...it's rivaled that day for me. And I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I want it to go away.
From the moment she took the big gasp and began to breath again, I knew it was reflux. I knew she would be just fine. I never doubted it for a second. I immediately said out loud, "Thank you Lord I was awake". We only really went to the hospital because there was no way to get a monitor after hours and we needed to just make sure she was OK. When we saw her pediatrician he told us that 99% of kids that have reflux bad enough for them to stop breathing come out of it on their own. That she may have had episodes that we would never even have known about. He even threw out there that at some point if we put her back on the apnea monitor we would have no real basis to take her off of it unless we kept her on it until she outgrows it. That it's more of a comfort thing. I felt silly because I don't think he would have put her on the monitor if we said we did not want back on it. Why would I want to see if she would be the 1 in 100 that would not start breathing again on her own?? Call me crazy, but just sitting by as my child turns blue and watching her as I hope she pops out of it by herself is not my style.
Needless to say, we came home on the monitor with the understanding it would be used while we slept and when she is not being held. A little peace of mind. It is totally worth it. Maybe it's a "crutch", but it's a crutch that we need for now. One that will keep me from going absolutely crazy from feeling like my eyes can't just look at that sweet little face, that they absolutely have to watch for the rising and falling of her chest. This stupid reflux that causes her to quit breathing has robbed me at moments of enjoying my child. If a monitor gives that back to me, then sign me up.
Here are a few pics of the munchkin at the hospital. She is such a trooper.
She kept scratching her nose with her hand that was on an arm board from the IV.
When Madelyn choked due to reflux and yet again stopped breathing any sense of security that I had began to feel disappeared. My heart has not been at peace. My mind has constantly been racing. Why did I put her down? When will it happen again? Would she have snapped out of it on her own if I didn't pick her up? Will she grow out of this? Is it related to her breathing problems at birth? Will I ever be able to sleep without having nightmares of the unimaginable happening? And on and on and on. It never stops. Then I feel guilty that I have even let my mind visit some of the places it has been.
When Maddie was in the NICU and still on the vent, I had the worst day. The hardest time with my thoughts. I read the word "funeral" on something in the waiting room and lost it. I couldn't get it out of my mind. It was miserable. This week, my thoughts, the worrying...it's rivaled that day for me. And I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I want it to go away.
From the moment she took the big gasp and began to breath again, I knew it was reflux. I knew she would be just fine. I never doubted it for a second. I immediately said out loud, "Thank you Lord I was awake". We only really went to the hospital because there was no way to get a monitor after hours and we needed to just make sure she was OK. When we saw her pediatrician he told us that 99% of kids that have reflux bad enough for them to stop breathing come out of it on their own. That she may have had episodes that we would never even have known about. He even threw out there that at some point if we put her back on the apnea monitor we would have no real basis to take her off of it unless we kept her on it until she outgrows it. That it's more of a comfort thing. I felt silly because I don't think he would have put her on the monitor if we said we did not want back on it. Why would I want to see if she would be the 1 in 100 that would not start breathing again on her own?? Call me crazy, but just sitting by as my child turns blue and watching her as I hope she pops out of it by herself is not my style.
Needless to say, we came home on the monitor with the understanding it would be used while we slept and when she is not being held. A little peace of mind. It is totally worth it. Maybe it's a "crutch", but it's a crutch that we need for now. One that will keep me from going absolutely crazy from feeling like my eyes can't just look at that sweet little face, that they absolutely have to watch for the rising and falling of her chest. This stupid reflux that causes her to quit breathing has robbed me at moments of enjoying my child. If a monitor gives that back to me, then sign me up.
Here are a few pics of the munchkin at the hospital. She is such a trooper.
She kept scratching her nose with her hand that was on an arm board from the IV.
She sure loves her Daddy.
This picture is from when Madelyn was first upgraded to the "crib" in the NICU at the beginning of October...
Then this one is just days before discharge from the NICU. Notice how much room there is in the crib and how much stuff there is in there with her that is not crowding her at all...
This one is from when we went back to the hospital the first time a week after the initial discharge...
Look at how big she has gotten!!! She won't fit in that much longer! Hopefully we won't have to find out how soon that would be! But my goodness...she sure has grown!
Our big girl happy as could be despite the IV and monitors stuck to her chest. She weighed in at 12 pounds! Goodness!! She has almost doubled her birth weight!
Here she is ready to head home! Mommy and Daddy were ready too! Of course the nurses were super sweet and took great care of the little one but we were ready to get the monitor and go back to the comforts of home.
Today Maddie looked so cute in her Christmas shirt. 
I should have photo shopped an 's' on the end of aunties considering she has 3, but this one was bought courtesy of her Aunt Rachel. 
Seriously, her little smile and those adorable cheeks melt my heart.
I love how she always yawns after a few minutes of picture taking. I usually take that as my hint that she's done, but not before I snap a pic of it.
It's good to be home. It's nice to be able to get a little rest again without wondering if I would wake up to a child who was not breathing. Luke jokes sometimes that my "inner dialogue" must wear me out. When he says that he has no idea how right he is. I am working on it. This week I have kind of lost that battle. Succumb to letting my mind go places I should not let it.My trust is in the Lord. Madelyn is in His hands. Sometimes I sing "He's got the whole world in His hands..." to Madelyn. I should be singing it as a reminder to myself too. My worrying does not help in any way it just shows a lack of confidence in a divine creator. Pray that I would remember that. He's got Madelyn in His hands.
I agree, you need the monitor. You need peace of mind and no regrets. That monitor should give you that. Glad she is OK.
ReplyDeleteShe looks a lot like you Kathryn. She sure is precious.
I've been worried about ya'll since you haven't posted since the last incident!! Though now I TOTALLY understand!! YAY for the monitor coming home and YAY for any and all peace that it gives ya'll!! She is truly precious!!
ReplyDelete