heavy heart

I am not sure whether I blogged it about it, but two and a half weeks ago when we had a really busy weekend with a student ministry event at the church, Madelyn and I were driving home after 11pm by ourselves and she quit breathing and turned blue in the back seat.

It had been at least a few weeks since the last time, so it was a little disheartening that it happened again.

Lately we have been able to hear her reflux a lot more (yes, you can actually hear it come up in the back of her throat). We had not heard it consistently like this since she was about 3 months old.

Yesterday she did it again. Twice. Once she turned blue. The second time I had put her back on her monitor and she only began to lose her color.

My heart is heavy and saddened. I know that things could be much worse. That our battle could be much harder. I know that so many people have struggles far greater than ours. But when it is your baby. When it is your precious 6 month old girl that has turned blue before your eyes enough times that you have lost count, it's hard.

Last night I laid awake holding Madelyn in the recliner. I kept asking God for strength. Thanking Him for taking care of us. Pleading with him to take away the selfish parts of my heart. The ones that say, "Why Madelyn? Why us, Lord?" I know how silly I must sound, but I am not sure that I care. It's how I feel. It's my heart. We take one step forward only to take ten steps back.

So here we are. Back to our monitor wearing days (instead of just nights).I guess she just missed her bra.

Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:11