a let down.

My baby girl adores her Daddy. I don't blame her.

Madelyn had a pretty bad episode last night.
Her monitor went off.
It usually stops after a couple of beeps.
Not last night.
There were too many to count.
Then she turned blue.
I tried to do what the doctor says and let her come out of it on her own.
Sometimes I wish my heart would trust the way my head does.
I can't bear to chance it.
I thumped her feet and turned her over.
My body aches all over just thinking about it.
It was kind of a let down.
A very scary let down at that.

Then, Madelyn had a really bad night.
She was really congested.
Choked and gagged a lot.
Many tears and screams.
She does not usually cry a lot, so we knew it hurt.
She possibly slept a total of three hours.
Her monitor went off many times during the little sleep she did get.
Her reflux was so bad you could hear it constantly.

Then, this morning, as I looked over at my
overly tired 4 month old, she was smiling.
Smiling.
Seriously?
After a night like that she was smiling at me.
I have a feeling she is going to be an optimist.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't really concerned.
But I am.
The last appointment the pediatrician laid out our options.
Visit the Pedi GI Doc in Dallas to see if he had any more "tricks".
Or surgery to correct the sphincter muscle.
Considering the Dallas Doc has said he would be doing the
same thing for her if we went to him, it seems pointless.
Surgery is not something Luke and I are even willing
to consider at this point.

I know she will be OK.
I know some day we will look back on these
episodes as something that seems so foreign and long gone.
For now, honestly, it's troubling.

I am praying for rest for my sweet Madelyn today.
Rest from reflux.
Rest from breathing troubles.
Rest for my overactive mind.
Just rest.