He holds my world in His hands

Today has not been one of my finest (I am just going to be really honest with you here). As a matter of fact the last 24 hours have not been my finest. Despite my most sincere efforts to smile, I have found myself in tears. My attempts to be upbeat and positive have been a complete failure. I have found myself in a funk of self loathing and an overwhelming desire to just get up and do something. Anything. My perfection seeking, controlling nature is getting the best of me as I lay here thinking of all the things that need to be done or that I would rather be doing. Although I know how absolutely selfish I sound right now and how you are probably thinking of moving on to reading something else, I am going somewhere with this (better yet...I am trying to go somewhere with this).

In my heart I know I have nothing at all to feel sorry for myself about. I have a perfectly healthy baby growing inside of me who just happens to want to join us a little sooner than the doctor would like. I have a husband who loves me despite the fact that my eyes have turned into spontaneously erupting sprinklers the past 2 days. I have the most supportive family. I mean who could ask for more than home cooked meals from your sister-in-law, prayers and support from a sister who is half a world away in South Africa, and a mom who stops by with something to cheer me up every single day??

But in the last hour I have been reminded that more than all of that, I have a Father who is completely in control. He holds my world in His hands.

My sweet husband just emailed me a video he found on YouTube of Kari Jobe singing the song "Healer". I have listened to Kari sing this song over and over and over again...but I have never heard her accompanied by Gracyn DenBestin. The video of the two singing together is enough to give you goose bumps. The video of them singing and knowing just a smidge about Gracyn's story is enough to bring you to tears.

Just 4 months after receiving a heart transplant (after leading a perfectly healthy life until just a few months before) 10 year old Gracyn stood on that stage and proclaimed to her Savior:

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

This was just a bit of a reality check for me. A reality check that I needed. Not that we don't sometimes have these "funks", but I have to remember that He holds my world in His hands.

*Kathryn

2

seemed to be the recurring number of the day

I was not able to fall asleep until 2 am. I only had to get up 2 times during the night (probably due to the fact that I fell asleep so much later than normal--but hey, we celebrate the small things around here). My husband came home from work at 2 pm and worked the rest of the afternoon from home! I got 2 cards in the mail from sweet ladies at church. I had 2 adult visitors and 2 adorable little people visitors. I had 2 dinners brought to me tonight (for the record: I did not eat them both! 1 is in the fridge ready to be eaten for lunch & dinner tomorrow as I have confidence that it is going to be that good). I received 2 sweet phone calls. The hubby and I hung out this evening for 2 hours in bed planning youth events, playing on our Macs and watching a little TV without him falling asleep (bed rest hang out time for Luke always equals sleep as I lay here staring at him so this was an accomplishment).

My sweet friend Jenna came by this evening with 2 of her 3 boys. They brought us Chick-fil-A for dinner and hung out for a while. It was nice to have a reason to get out of bed for a few minutes!! Below is a picture of her middle child, Karter. He is pretty much the cutest little guy I have ever seen. I can't get enough of that curly red hair and sweet grin.

My mom also stopped by tonight to bring me a bed rest project that I will share with you all if I succeed at it and maybe even if I fail. She also showed me a pretty amazing text message that she received tonight. My Uncle Mike from Oregon is visiting my Grandma in OKC for the week and he showed her how to text message on his phone. She then sent this message to my mom. Did I mention that she turns 86 in a couple of weeks?? How awesome is that? I definitely felt this was picture worthy and had to be shared!


Although I became a tad bit over paranoid today when I had not felt Madelyn move by lunch time, the minute I called the doctors office to share my concern she started jumping all over the place! She's already playing games with me. I love this little girl -games and all! I did not feel but a handful of contractions today so let's just pray that this progress continues!!

*Kathryn

Bed Side

Some exciting news...my contractions have really slowed down! They are completely inconsistent (which is a good thing until we are ready to deliver). For this I am so thankful. Madelyn is apparently enjoying the rest because she has not been quite as active as she normally is. Although it makes me feel better when I feel her bouncing around and see her feet move around from one side of my belly to the other, I know that she is just fine!

I have to say that I enjoy making our home just that...our home! I like to buy or make things that represent who we are and display as many pictures of family and friends as I possibly can in effort to make our house a place that truly puts on display our lives. It's been one of my favorite "hobbies" if you will since Luke and I got married and pretty much everything that is in our house accomplishes this task. Recently there was a new addition to our bedroom decor that I never really thought I would see in my house.
Behold: Our new bed side table. Lacking the attractive appeal (to put it nicely) of my cute little black table that I purchased at First Monday in Canton, this card table is something I have come to appreciate greatly over the last few days! What is all that junk cluttering your eye sore of a new bed side table you ask?? A few of the essentials to surviving bed rest of course:

1. Home Phone- for answering and conversing with kind people who are paid to annoy those who have to stay at home during the day. (I have to confess: I have made a sport out of seeing how long of a conversation I can have with one of those kind people before I can't take it anymore and ask them to take us off of their list! I should get a stop watch for accuracy but so far 31 minutes is the longest I held out!)
2. Cell Phone- for talking to all the people that I really want to talk to.
3. Lamp- this acts as my sunrise and sunset considering I have not so much as even stepped outside in 5 days.
4. Journal- that I have not written anything in but have open and ready if the mood strikes me.
5. Bills- do I need to explain?
6. Bibles- 3 different translations because that's how we roll in the Bilberry household :)
7. Lint Roller- because I am addicted...even while on bed rest. Down blankets make this a necessary twice daily activity.
8. Magazines- I got a new addition yesterday thanks to mom: Real Simple! I love it and it makes me want to jump up out of bed and organize our cabinets and closets!
9. Books- Baby Wise, The Note by Angela Hunt, Your Pregnancy Week by Week etc.
10. Camera- So I don't miss a single thing...haha...but if you know me, you know I don't go anywhere without my camera!
11. Flip Video Camera- ??? maybe I should do a video diary of this journey to play back for Madelyn when she is 13 and says that I am making her life miserable...I could just remind her she did it first :) Disclaimer-I am not really miserable.
12. Back scratcher thingy ma jig- isn't it obvious?
13. Lip Gloss- to put on right before the hubby gets home.
14. Chap stick- for once the lip gloss dries out my lips.
15. Uno & a deck of cards & Farkel- for game time of course!
16. Newks Cup- for hydration purposes.
17. Fan Remote- what a glorious thing! Controlling the room temperature from bed!
18. TV Remote- is not useful between the hours of 9am-6pm because day time television leaves a lot to be desired especially when you only have 7 channels.
19. Purses- in hopes that I will clean them out while I have the time!
20. iPhone- that does not function as a phone but gives me my daily (ok hourly) fix for my new found addiction to solitaire. I am a champ.
21. Boxes of Cards- to write and address to people that I love and appreciate, but if history repeats itself will never get mailed. It's the thought that counts right?
22. Picture of our little girl- to remind me that spending my days horizontal will be completely worth it in a few weeks (and to enjoy my time in bed as soon it will be a thing of the past!)
As I said before, just a few of the essentials.

*Kathryn

Cute PJ's

It's amazing what a cute pair of pajamas can do for a girl!

The last thing I want to do and the last thing you want to read is me whining...so I hope that you know that is not at all what the sentences to follow are meant to be. Whew! Now that I got that off my chest I can get back to what I was saying before.

It's amazing what a cute pair of pajamas can do for a girl! Probably the #1 thing on the short list I have compiled titled "The downfalls of being horizontal", is feeling really UNcute!! Considering 22 1/2 hours out of each day I am supposed to spend on one side or the other in bed, doing my hair and make-up isn't exactly top priority (or practical)! I haven't put on "real" clothes in 4 days...I mean really, what's the point?? But due to my increasing size as little Maddie grows, I had pretty much resorted to sweatpants and Luke's t-shirts which only added to my feelings of UNcuteness.

In steps mom...she basically saved the day and the ones that are to come! She restored my much needed feelings of girly-ness by buying me 3 super cute pairs of PJ's! So cute in fact that I chose to spend 5 of my precious vertical minutes on a mini photo shoot with the hubby of me in one of favorite pj sets that she got me! I put on these pj's and instantly felt female again-although it's hard to forget you are female when you are carrying a child-so let me clarify: I felt like a cute female again :)

On another note:
When I very first started this blog waaaay back 3 weeks ago I mentioned my collection of journals that only have a few short entries before they are tossed to the side. Tonight as my hubby was cleaning some things out for me while I bossed really politely from the bed, he stumbled upon one of my rather lengthy journal attempts. I mean, I had written in it from 6-25-06 all the way until 2-16-08!! and it only took me 12 pages!! You get the picture. It was one of my failed attempts for sure and I am willing to bet that I purchased at least half a dozen additional journals during that time which also have fallen victim to my inability to write on a consistent basis. It made me laugh.

My contractions were even more sporadic today! The most I had in 1 hour was 3 so I would say that is true progress! I guess this whole bed rest thing actually serves a purpose!

*Kathryn

good SATurday

Last night Luke had a lock-in with the students at the church so my sweet mom brought over dinner and some movies! It was awesome to have company while he was gone hanging out all night with 25 teenagers! My mom and I watched New In Town--it was so cute and I highly recommend it if you have not already seen it.

I will say that I am getting pretty used to being told what to do. However, I am not getting used to everyone doing things around me while I lay in bed (feeling like a lazy slob) but I know that it's what is necessary and will only last a short time. I know I have said that I can't wait to see our little one face to face...but I guess I should not have told her that so much. Madelyn, I can wait...at least 4 more weeks to see you sweet girl.

Today has been fairly uneventful (imagine that-an uneventful day on bed rest). My mom bought a new tower fan to help me sleep since our old one suddenly turned in to a squeaking machine that did everything but serve as a sleep aid. She and Emily delivered it to the house and Emily helped Uncle Luke put it together.It's amazing how seeing this little girl made having to stay in bed today OK. She is such a sweetheart! She brought me a pillow and put it behind my head. Then she firmly told me to "lay down right now, Aunt Kathryn". I love it when she is serious. It makes me smile. Her seriousness soon wore off when she started playing with Luke!
How could those 2 not cheer you up?? She loves her Uncle Luke and I love watching them together! He is going to be such an awesome dad. Awesome is probably an understatement but it's the best I've got at the moment.

I definitely noticed my contractions were spaced out a lot more than they were on Thursday. Good news on a good Saturday!

*Kathryn

CBC #2...or not

Last night was Child Birth Class #2 for Luke and I. Considering last week we laughed a lot and learned some things (that I wish I had been told by a friend rather than a graphic video in a room full of complete strangers) I was really looking forward to hanging out with my hubby and doing some silly breathing exercises while concentrating on my pelican bath toy of a focal point that I am sure I will forget once I actually need them! But, CBC #2 was much shorter for the 2 of us last night.

You see, a couple of hours before CBC #2 was scheduled to begin, I had my weekly visit to the doctor. Have I told you that I have the best doctor anyone could ask for? I have been going weekly since 28 weeks to be hooked up to a machine for 20 minutes (which in doctor's office land is usually 40 minutes but I love to hear the sound of Madelyn's heart beating inside of me so I don't mind one bit) to monitor our little one's heart beat and my contractions. Her heart beat is always beautiful and perfect and makes those peaks and bumps on the machine that the doctor likes to see.
My contractions on the other hand, make those peaks and bumps that the doctor does not like to see. That, in combination with the tear on the outside of my placenta that has made for some nervous moments throughout my pregnancy, has led us to the sentence I was hoping I would not hear from the doctor's mouth: "I am putting you on bed rest". Thankfully, it is not strict bed rest. I am allowed to take showers, go to the bathroom (was this really an option??), move around for 3o minutes in the morning, at lunch and at night, and venture out of the house for a "short errand" if I have had a good day.

Needless to say, the doctor told me that not only am I not allowed to go to the Child Birth Classes while on bed rest, "they won't help you anyways because the chances of having a routine birth are slim with you". This almost made me chuckle a little on the inside. When do I ever do anything the normal way??

The next thing the doctor said was not even something that I hoped I would not hear. It was something I did not even know that I should have been hoping not to hear. "We just want to get you to 34 weeks". I think at this point I zoned out for a minute and when I came to I asked her if she meant I could go in to labor before then. "Yes, Kathryn. You have to be really good these next few weeks."

So what's a girl to do but bargain with her unborn child (and pray of course). So on the way home from the appointment Maddie and I made a deal that if she waits until 38 weeks to make her grand debut she gets a pony when she turns 8 years old.

The best thing about all of this is: Madelyn is beautiful and healthy. My body just does not want to cooperate. So, whether we see her in 3 weeks or 9, I am confident she will be perfect.

There is a verse at the end of Ephesians 3 that I have had in my heart since last November when a doctor told us that our odds of having any children were virtually non existent (at a time when we were not even thinking about having children yet). It talks about how He is able to do far more abundantly than all we ask or think according to His power that is at work within us. It is so reassuring to know that His power is not limited by what I can think to ask for.

I guess I will be seeing a lot more of you, blog friends. I just don't know if I will have much to say. One can only blog about daytime television so much.

*Kathryn

these are the things...

you stumble upon at 4 am: "breast feeding baby doll" . Seriously? "Lots of baby dolls cry but the only way this one stops is when she's breast-fed. Little girls put on a halter top with flowers that have a sensor in them. Then, suckling sounds as she feeds." I don't think it is necessary for me to say this, but I will; Madelyn will not have this doll.

Let's move on, shall we?

Luke and I just came in (actually we came in 2 hours ago but I have yet to fall back to sleep-he however was asleep before he even made it back to the bed) from trying to get a glimpse of the meteor shower. We spent about 20 minutes reclined in chairs on the deck eagerly waiting to spot something. After each of us caught a glimpse of something the other didn't, we spotted a bright light moving quickly across the sky together. It was awesome and totally worth getting out of bed at 2 am. God is so big.*Kathryn

Family

I bet the last few days you (assuming there is someone out there reading this) have been thinking that I was not kidding when I wrote this post 2 weeks ago! Despite popular suspicions, I have not fallen off the band wagon so soon. I have just had an eventful 4 days to say the least. Friday morning Luke & I drove to Waco to have lunch with his family before they moved his sister in to her new apartment. We were able to see Kenda's old apartment and eat lunch at a yummy Mexican food restaurant before we had to hit the road again. I forgot to take any pictures while we were there, but I did manage to get a picture of my Oger feet while we were on our way home. One lesson I learned on Friday is that riding in a car for 2 hours followed by sitting for 2 hours at your destination and then turning around to drive the 2 hours home = Oger feet!! It was painful and disturbing all at the same time. Needless to say, my traveling days are pretty much over until Madelyn comes. *I love riding in the car with my husband. It seems like we talk the whole way wherever we are going and laugh at each other (mainly me).*

While we were on our mini trip to Waco, my Grandma, aunts and cousin were making their way to Texas from Oklahoma City! They were in town from Friday-Monday & we had a great time!!
This was their first time to meet little Allison and she loved her Great Grandma! Here are some more pictures from the weekend:
They surprised me with a little shower for Madelyn on Saturday! It was super sweet and very special!! Madelyn got some cute clothes to add to her wardrobe as well as a few other baby essentials. Check out the "jersey" Luke and I are holding below with Madelyn's official soccer nickname, Mad Kat, courtesy of the Ammons.I love spending time with family.

*Kathryn

CBC #1

Luke and I went to our first Child Birth Class tonight. Let's just hit the highlights:
1. Despite our instructor's 4 attempts at introducing everyone in the class, she only introduced the couple closest to her ((a total of 3 times)) before distracting herself and moving on to a new topic. This made me laugh on the inside.
2. When we were discussing how to know how far apart your contractions are, Luke kindly whispers, "I bet the iphone has an app for that", at which point I start laughing and realize I have the most goofy husband in the room and that Madelyn is going to be one lucky girl.
3. We watched a video that discussed the stages of labor. It was very graphic in nature and this caught me by surprise. I realized at that moment that all of our joking about Luke needing a stretcher next to me when I am delivering, might actually become a reality.
4. Once the video was over, we (along with the others in the class) quickly realized that our instructor was all tuckered out from a long day of work (or she wanted to avoid the graphic nature of the video), because she was snoozing. Once she came to, she proceeded to tell us repeatedly she was "thinking ahead to the next class".
5. To celebrate our new found knowledge on the birthing process we treated ourselves to a cookies and cream shake from Chick-fil-A. Yummy!
I love this guy!

*Kathryn

the bump

Weeks 29-32 (Month 7): Squash
Baby’s energy is surging, thanks to the formation of white fat deposits beneath the skin. (Have those kicks and jabs to the ribs tipped you off yet?) Baby is also settling into sleep and waking cycles, though -- as you’ve also probably noticed -- they don’t necessarily coincide with your own. Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments.

A fun resource for all the pregnant ladies out there is thebump.com! It has a lot of great information and interesting things to read along the way! I am sharing with you above one of the features that I have enjoyed the most from the site: "how big is baby?"! Although I have never seen a squash that is 16 inches long ((not sure where they get their produce)), I have come to the conclusion that the fruit/veggie comparisons that they make are the size of the baby's body minus the arms & legs :) Who knows?? But that's what I keep telling myself.

Pay attention to the last sentence up there: Also this month, all five senses are finally functional, and the brain and nervous system are going through major developments. I am attributing these developments to a series of events that have occurred recently in my life that I am CONFIDENT would otherwise not have happened. I mean if our sweet little girl's brain is growing...where could all that goodness be coming from other than her mommy's?? Leaving me with what I like to call prego brain!

Here are few of the series of events I just spoke of. They are in no particular order. Do not hold this against me. Please!

Event # 1:
Yesterday, while shopping, I had a couple of pool toys in my hand that I was going to purchase for my niece. I walked around for 20 minutes or so with them in my hands and decided it was time to go. I proceeded to walk out the door with the unpaid items in my hands!! I could see the headlines flash on the TV screen as I looked down in horror when I tried to get my keys out of my purse: Pregnant Student Pastor's Wife Steals from DOLLAR STORE!

Event # 2:
While cleaning up after cooking dinner one night this week I placed the left over sugar snap peas in the microwave instead of the fridge...and did not realize it until the next day when I wanted to eat them.

Event # 3:
I brushed my teeth with my face wash. Then hopped in the shower and washed my hair with body wash. I realized what I had done, yet I STILL proceeded to wash my body with my shampoo.

I could have a much lengthier list, but my pride is telling me to stop...and I agree with my pride. Please reassure me that this is because my daughter is going to be the smartest little girl you have ever met, thus she needs all her mommy's brain cells during this vital time in her development. And if you do not think that is the reason, kindly keep your comments to yourself :)

*Kathryn