More like you.

I love this little girl more than I could ever possibly begin to convey with mere words typed on a page. Sometimes it feels as though my heart is beating out side of my chest. I can't imagine anything happening to her. When she doesn't feel well, my heart aches. When she is smiling, I am full of joy. Recently she has begun to understand what "no" means (and we have been saying it a lot more lately). The majority of the time, she stops what she is doing. She knows not to climb on the stairs. We tell her no. She does it anyway. One or two times she has fallen. It's hurt her before yet she continues.

Over and over again God has used that beautiful baby girl to teach me about my relationship with Him. His word is a guide for my life, yet so many times I am disobedient. I know the truth. I know His best for me. Yet I willingly disobey. Despite the fact that sometimes it hurts me, I catch myself doing it again.

I find myself relating to Romans 7:15, "For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate".

Just to be transparent, the last month has been hard for me. Thinking that Madelyn was well, then having to start CPR on her. The out of town doctor's visits. The financial stress. Watching Madelyn undergo tests. The waiting game. Being told she has central apnea. Then that she doesn't. Then that she does. More waiting. Then finding out that the very thing that is supposed to notify us if she quits breathing wasn't working for nearly two weeks.

Needless to say, I haven't handled it well. My heart aches. I stay up until all hours of the night busying myself. I end up doing the very things that I know are wrong. I try to rely on myself. Quit spending time in the word. I end up being short with the people I love the most. I end up doing the very things that I hate.

Just as I hate to watch Madelyn do something that I know will hurt her, I can only imagine how my heavenly Father feels as I do the very things that He and I know will ultimately hurt me and those around me.

Today I had to make a very real effort not to scream at the apnea monitor provider after finding out it hadn't been working. Seriously. I became so angry (out of total fear I am sure...not that I am making excuses at all) that all I wanted to do was go up there and lay in to him like I never have before. Thankfully, I didn't. I know I would have regretted it. But unfortunately, that's where my heart was at that moment.

I am thankful that Madelyn is a living, breathing example to me. That the Lord uses her to teach me and mold me in to the mom, wife, woman that He wants me to be. That through my relationship with my daughter, I am able to get a tiny glimpse in to His relationship with me.

Mold me Lord. Make me more like you.