Monday, March 15, 2010

let's just be honest...

Today was not my finest. Since I have become a mommy, I have had a few moments here and there where I wished things had gone differently, but never a whole day. Today...I really wish I had a do-over.

It started after a night of absolutely no sleep. At about 5:48am (not that I remember the exact moment I was able to close my eyes) I nudged Luke and asked him to take Madelyn (who at this point had been restless and crying every five minutes for 7 hours) so that I could get a little sleep before he left for work. He did. I did. After about two hours of uninterrupted sleep I felt completely refreshed. Today was going to be a good day.

Madelyn then slept off and on for the next three hours waking just before lunch. I knew this meant she had maybe gotten about 5 hours of sleep. For a child that usually gets 12...5 wasn't that great. But today was going to be a good day.

I should have known when she did not wake up smiling at me and talking like she normally does (even after bad nights) that things might be a little challenging, but I had hope. She fussed and squirmed and did not want to be put down or held for most of the morning. By one she needed a nap but couldn't stay asleep longer than five minutes before wiggling herself awake.

I started to wonder if she was sick or did not feel well, but there really wasn't anything that would indicate that.

By 3:30pm I was desperate for a few minutes to get a couple of things done around the house (or to just go to the bathroom) so I did something I really did not want to do. I have had it in my mind that Madelyn won't watch TV until she reaches her first birthday. Today...I gave in.I pulled out a Baby Einstein DVD and strategically placed her exersaucer a few feet in front of it.
I felt like a complete failure, but at the same time prayed that it would work. It did not. She lasted all of 45 seconds before screaming and looking at me like, "Get me out of here, please". So I did. At least I had time to go to the bathroom!

Did I mention that I needed to be getting ready for 6 dinner guests? Getting what I needed for dinner from the grocery store? Taking a shower? Making a dessert? Sweeping the kitchen? Or that I was supposed to be getting a few things done for my husband for a big youth event that is taking place this weekend? Editing the student material? Getting poster prints made for the student building? Shopping for the frames at Michaels? Or that my baby girl needed me to pick up her prescriptions (which only had enough left in them to get us through today)? Yet, here I was at home unable to console my usually happy baby girl.

It had been a trying day so far.

I won't go on with the play by play of my less than perfect day, but I will mention that the rest of the day was filled with:
  • accidentally ruining two of my favorite outfits of Madelyn's in the wash
  • ruining one of my favorite shirts in the same load
  • breaking a corning ware dish (that I am not sure belonged to me)
  • Madelyn fussing for the majority of the rest of the day
  • me not being able to help her or figure out why
  • having 6 dinner guests that while I really wanted to want to be in there and chatting with...I also could not help but think about how cozy my bed was the entire time we ate
I just don't feel like a "good" mom today...whatever that means. I feel as though I have let Madelyn down. I did some things that I really wish I had done differently. I hate when I don't know how to make her feel better.


I am going to snuggle her close in the recliner tonight and pray for a good nights sleep because I am beyond the point (which I hit at about 4am) of exhaustion and we both need it more than we need to "do the right thing" according to all the parenting books (which I stopped reading 5 months ago when I realized they were only going to make me feel worse and more pressure) and let her cry.

Tomorrow is a new day. Praise the Lord for that. If Madelyn continues to be as fussy as she was last night and today, we more than likely will find ourselves paying the pediatrician a visit.

Have you ever had one of those days? The kind that wish you had a do-over for?

Despite the fact that today was not one of my finest as a mommy and I did some things I am not proud of, as I sit here snuggling with my princess, I am thankful for health, my family and a loving God who brings fresh starts with rising of the sun!!!


  1. Sounds to me like you taught that sweet little girl that you put others needs before your own (the diner guests and other things you did). Hang in there, we all have those days...don't dwell on what you did wrong. You are a great mother! Love you!

  2. If she has some more of those days, you might have her ears checked. Ear infections are the hardest to detect without a doctor but usually explain a lot of unusual behavior once you find out. Brennan ALWAYS gets them after she has had a cold a couple of days.

  3. Have I ever had one of those days?

    Oh YES!

    Our oldest (who is now 13 1/2---she did survive..ha ha) was a horrible baby. She fussed from the moment she was born til she was about 4. Seriously, the most exhausting time of my entire life. And still, I somehow managed to conceive & give birth 2 more times before she was 4 1/2.

    There are a million days with her that I wished I could do over...but ultimately we did survive it and like they say, if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger.

    Yeah I know...not real encouraging, huh? Sorry. I'll shut up now. ha ha!


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