missing it

This afternoon as Madelyn was asleep in my lap (something I am learning to cherish more and more on a daily basis as she likes her independence more and more) I was really bummed that we were not on our way to church.

I had planned on taking Madelyn to see all of the students tonight, but could not bring myself to do it. She has had a tough go of it the last week or so. Apnea episodes, 3 shots, a rash from one of her new medicines...a lot of unpleasant happenings for her. I kept playing over and over in my mind what I would do if her alarm went off on the 30 minute drive over there. "Pull over. Jump in the back seat. Unbuckle her. It scares me. If it was a bad episode, would I get to her fast enough??" My mind works that way. I play the bad "what ifs?" over and over again in my head. I know that is ridiculous, but that's just the way that I work.

Then I thought about what would happen when we got there. She would probably be too loud and too much of a distraction to keep in there while Luke was trying to teach (especially if her alarm went off), but I definitely do not see myself leaving her in the nursery anytime soon.

I need to get over some of these fears. And excuses. I am just not sure when the "right" time is. The last time I took her around a big group (besides big groups of family) she ended up with a cold and congested and struggled more than normal because of it. I felt horrible. Like I had let her down and taken her out too soon because I wanted to.

Here we were tonight. My precious four month old in my arms, sleeping so sweetly and all I could think about was how badly I wished I was at church. When we were in Martin's Mill I was able to be really involved with the Student Ministry. That's the way I liked it. When we moved to Chandler, I was working a full time job 40 minutes away and going to school full time at night. I really missed out because of that on Wednesday nights. Since I am not working full time or in school, I am so ready to get back. Serve with my husband. Get connected again.

I know the "right" time for Madelyn has a lot to do with me overcoming my fears and being smart about things too. But today, I just really wanted to be driving out to the church when instead I was sitting at home.

I turned off the 5 o'clock news. Turned on some music. Cherished the time holding my baby girl.

I know that someday soon we will be busy (too busy I am sure). I need to really take in these moments when our schedule is clear. The ones where our days are filled only with the slow pace of life at home. If not, these moments will pass us by and I will be wishing for a day of doing nothing more than sitting at home, holding my sleeping girl.

Madelyn and I did make a trip a little later over to my parent's house for dinner and a little "outing" since Wednesday nights are so late for Luke and it's just the two of us all day at home. He met us over there though after church.
When we made it home, she was sleeping so good in her car seat that we left her there for a while. Right now, it's a different story. It is almost midnight and she has decided it's play time. I think the "four month wakeful period" has officially arrived at our house tonight.

Are you supposed to let them play? Or try to ignore it? I can't do the "cry it out" method of sleep training so that isn't an option, but I am sure the experts would cringe if they saw that our four month old is currently playing on her mat and pulling at all of her toys at this hour.

Parenting is all about trial and error though, right??