fear & trust

For some reason my heart is sort of heavy tonight. I've mentioned before it seems to come and go in waves. Tonight Luke and I visited with some sweet friends who were in town from OKC (they actually live on the same street as my Grandma who is also in town from OKC- small world huh?). They have three beautiful children. The house was full of lots of little ones running around playing together. It reminded me of all the days I spent in OKC running around with my cousins. I have always wanted a big family. Being the youngest of 3 has always been fun! There is always commotion and chaos and laughter. I always told Luke I wanted four children. A couple of biological children and then adopt one or two. I have dreamed of the day when we would have our own house full of babies and big kids and chaos and laughter. But tonight, watching all those beautiful little ones running around, my heart felt really heavy, sad even. It was almost hard to enjoy the company (and it was fantastic company) because all I could think about was how terrified I am at the thought of getting pregnant again.

There were so many days early on (and late too) in my pregnancy that the bleeding would be so intense that I would lay awake at night crying and praying for the life inside of me to hold on. Then when she finally arrived, watching her struggle to breath and fight for her life. As magical as so many moments of pregnancy were and the joy that I felt the moment I laid eyes on Madelyn, I am not sure I have the strength to do it again. It seems as though the more days that go by, the more time I have to process all that has happened, the more I let fear creep in to the inner most places of my heart. I beg for that fear to leave. I pray God would remove it. Yet I find myself letting it sneak in through the doors of my heart again and make it's home (or maybe it never left at all?). Do I not have enough faith? The thought of losing a baby now that I know the miracle of life through Madelyn terrifies me. It's paralyzing almost some times.

So tonight, as I watched our sweet friends with their 3 little gems and their nieces and nephews, I was saddened by the thought that fear could keep us from having a full house. A house full of commotion and chaos and laughter. Even though I can't imagine it happening now, my prayer is that as time goes by my fears would become a thing of the past instead of continuing to grow. That the nightmares that haunt me would be no more. That I would realize that neither our desire to have a big family nor the fears that keep me from thinking that will ever happen, are what determines our future. We are children of a God who has a plan for us that is better than the biggest dream we could ever think to dream and is greater than all our fears. He is in control. Only His divine plan knows what our future holds. Daily we strive to trust in Him. Daily I try to remember how sweet it is to trust in Him.

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, and to take Him at His word;
just to rest upon His promise, and to know, "Thus saith the Lord."
(you can listen to Casting Crowns sing the rest of this old hymn by clicking here)

After our visit with friends we headed over to my parent's house for more family time. While we were there Madelyn and I decided to make a sleepover out of it so that we could wake up tomorrow to more of this... My sweet hubby went to the house to get some clothes for Madelyn and I for tonight and tomorrow. Do you think he was trying to tell us something??
Do you think we have a Daddy's girl or what?