later you will understand

I was reading from John 13 where Jesus washed the disciples feet this morning as I snuggled Madelyn close to me. I have read that scripture more times than I can remember.

After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

That last sentence was as far as I got.

You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.

Then I remembered this. The letter I wrote to Madelyn the day before she was born and this paragraph in particular:

"I am in awe of the possibilities your future holds. I know that you are here, not by chance, but because God has a purpose for your life. Although I cannot wait to witness what your personality will blossom in to, what your little voice will sound like and who you will become, I know without a doubt that I want to cherish each day for it's own."

You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.

Then I remembered this. Watching this tiny life that grew inside of me struggling to breath.
You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.

And then I remembered this. Comment #31 from Maddie's 1 Week Birthday Post.

"Madelyn, I found out about you through a friend of a friend of a cousin of your mommys. I clicked the link they posted on their facebook out of curiousity. I was up late and could not sleep. Once I laid eyes on your sweet little face, the beautiful words your mommy writes about you and the struggle you have had this past week I felt the overwhelming presence of a higher power for the first time in my life. I could not stop reading about you. I finally started over at the beginning of your mommy's blog. I read about how much they were waiting anxiously for you to arrive. The love they have for each other. The raw emotions that they felt when you entered this world and then through your fight to survive. I laughed. I cried. I reflected on my own life and the joy that I experienced when my own children entered the world. I tried to go to sleep after reading for hours your story. I could not. Something inside of me would not let me. My son woke up at about 2 am and came to get me. I thought he was going to ask for water or to sleep in my bed. Instead he said he felt like Jesus was telling him that I needed a hug. We don't attend church and never have. For my son to speak of Jesus at 2am was something that could have only meant one thing, God was trying to tell me something. I put my son back to bed. Fell to my knees and begged God to forgive me of my sins. I did not know even how to talk to him. I just know that there are so many things in my life that have to change and this morning I woke up feeling burdenless. I want my sons to know what it is like to have parents who love each other as much as yours. I know now that is only possible with God. You have led me to God. Thank you little one. May you live a long life at your parents side. Love, Marissa in New York"

You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.

Then this afternoon I looked upon this little one sleeping sweetly, breathing deeply, and thanked God that His ways are not my ways."For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
-Isaiah 55: 8

Lord, I am beginning to understand.