Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Wednesday Morning

This morning as I am sitting next to Madelyn's bed in the NICU watching her breath with the help of a ventilator, I cannot help but just reflect over the last few days. I was thinking about Wednesday (which feels like forever ago) and how excited/nervous/happy/insert any emotion possible here that Luke and I were. We just spent time together, running a few last errands, and resting before the big day. I remember not being able to sleep that night. We both went to sleep pretty late. I was wide awake at about 3am and took the longest shower of my life (I figured most showers from here on out would last about 5 minutes at the most so I better take advantage of it while I could). I tried on about 10 different outfits trying to figure out what to wear to the hospital! I did my hair, put on my makeup, and changed again...and again. I could not wait to meet our little girl. I was not really nervous about surgery. I was not really nervous about recovery. I was just completely excited. Not once that morning did I think twice about whether or not she would be healthy. Not once did I even think to pray that she would be healthy. After all, we had been to the doctor every week for so long monitoring her and had ultrasound after ultrasound that showed a perfect little girl growing inside of me. All of my complications that we faced were from my body not cooperating...not hers. So Thursday morning as I was prepped for surgery, all I could think about was seeing our little girl. We were going back to the operating room. The doctors were going to do the c-section, show us our little girl over the curtain, hand her to the nurses to "score her" and then Luke would have his precious little girl in his arms and bring her over for me to see. That's what was supposed to happen. That is what I trusted would happen. That is not what happened. I can't even begin to rehash the whirlwind that has been the days to follow. It has been filled with high hopes and incredible let downs...tender moments with a very alert little girl and scary ones with a 6 lb little life struggling to breath.

Yesterday afternoon, Luke and I had gone back to our room, breathing a sigh of relief that the doctor really did not feel that Madelyn was heading South. He thought we just weened her too soon and she would just require a few more days of oxygen than originally planned. Luke asked my mom to go watch her while we took a deep breath in the room. After a day of worrying and praying and worrying and praying, we were able to finally relax a little. Moments later, Luke's mom came to the room to get us. The moment I heard the words that our little one had stopped breathing in my mother's arms is a moment I will never forget. My heart aches that her sweet Grandma had to experience that, but I am so thankful for God's faithfulness and protection for our girl by allowing her to be the one to have had her in her arms.

From there, it all gets hazy. Luke and I stood by her side as they tried to stabilize her once we arrived at the NICU. Each time she stopped crying our hearts stopped because her little chest would just be still. Luke and I would frantically try to stimulate her to breath again as the nurses worked. Over and over her breathing would stop. Over and over our hearts would stop. All I know now is, we are in this limbo of wait and see. The sense of urgency that Luke and I feel to know what is causing this is not a medical sense of urgency on the doctor's part now that she is stable. She has actually been able to be on minimal oxygen through her ventilator. She has moments where she is able to breath over it...but the ventilator ensures she gets a certain number of breaths per minute, and she often lets it do the work. I am sure today will be filled with more tests...more tears...and hopefully answers.

I would love to have the time to answer all the questions, emails, facebook messages, phone calls and text messages, but the truth is...I can't. We do however want you to know that your support has played a tremendous part in our lives in the last several days. Please continue to pray for her. Please continue to spread the word to fellow believers to pray for her.

One question that I will answer is about where we are now. Madelyn was transferred to Mother Frances Hospital in Tyler to their Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. The nurses at ETMC had become almost like family as we watched them come and go each day and as they cared for our sweet girl. As much as I wish I could say we will not be here very long, I am afraid the nurses here, will too become like family. We were so grateful to see a high school friend walk in the door of the unit last night with her scrubs on. We were even more grateful to hear she was assigned to our little girl. There is no worse feeling than thinking about leaving your child's side...but knowing her nurse personally...knowing she believes...knowing she has been praying for your child before she was even made the thought of laying down in the hospitality room around the corner from Maddie's room a little bit easier. We have gotten a few hours of sleep.

Now, we pray...we wait...we expect great things from our God.


My sister in law will keep you updated when we are unable. We are so thankful for amazing family and friends. God is so good to our family of 3.


  1. Bless your hearts. What a blessing that Martha was the one to be holding her. She has been trained for that moment, just as we are ALL learning everyday to be present for someone. We are all praying and thinking of each of you.
    We love you Sweet Maddie!
    Sharon, Mike, Beth, and John

  2. Kathryn,

    We sat where you sit lots of years ago. I know the ups and downs you are feeling. I know the smiles and the tears. Rest in our Father because He is right there. The peace that you will feel through all of this will be a peace you may never feel again. It is a peace that is hard to describe and still brings tear to my eyes when I talk about it. We are praying for the doctors and nurses, you, Luke and the that sweet little, Maddie. Lean on our Father He knows you are there.

    Ellen and Glen

  3. Kathryn,
    I don't know you (saw a post on Amy Dale's FB), but I want you to know that I will be praying for you.. for peace, for rest, and for healing.
    Cassidy Kuykendall

  4. Father,
    We lift little Madelyn and her latest struggles up to you knowing you are the one who is able to deliver her. Father, please heal her body. Take each breath that she takes and make them easier for her. Please give the doctors wisdom in treating her. Help them know exactly what is needed to turn her in the right direction towards complete healing. Father we ask your mercy for Luke and Kathryn. Surround them with your peace and let them know that you have this situation in the palm of your hand. We thank you in advance for your help and remain secure in the knowledge that you love and care for little Madelyn and all of us.
    In Jesus name,
    Joe and Pam Heath

  5. We are all praying for your family, your medical team, and little Madelyn.

    Donna, FBC Malakoff

  6. I woke in the night last night and prayed for sweet Madelyn, I will continue to pray for her...God is Good, she will get better, I have faith.
    I'm praying for you and Luke too, this is NOT what any new parent expects to happen when their healthy growing baby is born. God has ALL 3 of you in the palm of His hands, this is Not new to Him, He will carry you through.
    Much Love Bilberry Family of 3.
    Audra Deffenbaugh

  7. God Bless you and your angel... God is Good and is the Father of miracles , I have had many in my life and believe in miracles so strong.... Keep the faith and everyone that has a relationship with God, pray for this family and special baby girl.

  8. My heart breaks for you. As a mom I can't imagine. But as everyone else has said, God is good. Little Madelyn reminds us just how precious and fragile life is. There are so many people lifting your family up in prayer. I have faith that Madelyn will be fine, and one day soon you will be strapping her in her car seat getting ready to take her to her new home.

  9. Jehovah Rapha, The God who Heals, grow Maddie and make her strong. Fill her with wisdom and let your grace be upon her. (Luke 2:40)

    Praying for your sweet family and your precious gift from God!

    Lindsey Pond

  10. I will be praying and everyone tonight at church will be lifting Madelyn up in prayer. Love yall !

    Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. Philippians 4:6-7

    Christy Butler

  11. Kathryn,
    I will stop & say a prayer right now as soon as I hit "post comment" and then I'm going to post a link to your blog on my blog & my facebook page. I'm going to rev up the prayer warriors for little Maddie. God is so big. He is going to win this battle Madelyn's fighting. Love you!

  12. God is bigger than all this and what a testimony she will have!

    Love and Prayers,

    Matt and Tiffany Koop

  13. We love your family and are praying!


  14. Luke and Kathryn, I will be praying for baby Madelyn. I know God can do all things. I know this is very had but in this storm, allow all the many people who love you to lift you up and help carry your burdun to God in his ultimate wisdom.He will see you through and give you a strength you did not know you could have. Remember Jesus loves the little children. We are all his children. OI will pray for comfort and peace for you and your family.God bless you,Katina Yeargain

  15. We do not know you but I have faith that God is in control of your situation. We will pray for your strength, hope, and courage. God preforms miracles in Him.

  16. Kathyrn,
    My heart was filled with sadness as I read your blog about your sweet baby girl.

    Twenty three years ago, I walked down a similiar path. My son, Matthew, was born 8 weeks premature and had to have surgery on his stomach at birth. He was also born with Down Syndrome and Autism. He stayed in the NICU for 6 weeks and then we came home with 24/7 nursing care for 2 weeks.

    Leaving him at the hospital was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but somehow God gave me the courage. I remember sitting in his newly decorated room and crying for him to survive, but also for the "perfect" child I would never have. I can't say I've heard clearly from God on many occassions, but that one night, I heard a voice say so clearly to me...."I gave you Matthew so you will trust me everyday."

    And boy, do I have to trust everyday! The journey has been challenging, but also full of incredible joys as I watch my "imperfect" child teach me and those around him about what's important in life and unconditional love. I am praying for you and your family and I know that no matter what the outcome - God is very near and holds all of you in His hands.

    Denise Carter


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