Wednesday Morning

This morning as I am sitting next to Madelyn's bed in the NICU watching her breath with the help of a ventilator, I cannot help but just reflect over the last few days. I was thinking about Wednesday (which feels like forever ago) and how excited/nervous/happy/insert any emotion possible here that Luke and I were. We just spent time together, running a few last errands, and resting before the big day. I remember not being able to sleep that night. We both went to sleep pretty late. I was wide awake at about 3am and took the longest shower of my life (I figured most showers from here on out would last about 5 minutes at the most so I better take advantage of it while I could). I tried on about 10 different outfits trying to figure out what to wear to the hospital! I did my hair, put on my makeup, and changed again...and again. I could not wait to meet our little girl. I was not really nervous about surgery. I was not really nervous about recovery. I was just completely excited. Not once that morning did I think twice about whether or not she would be healthy. Not once did I even think to pray that she would be healthy. After all, we had been to the doctor every week for so long monitoring her and had ultrasound after ultrasound that showed a perfect little girl growing inside of me. All of my complications that we faced were from my body not cooperating...not hers. So Thursday morning as I was prepped for surgery, all I could think about was seeing our little girl. We were going back to the operating room. The doctors were going to do the c-section, show us our little girl over the curtain, hand her to the nurses to "score her" and then Luke would have his precious little girl in his arms and bring her over for me to see. That's what was supposed to happen. That is what I trusted would happen. That is not what happened. I can't even begin to rehash the whirlwind that has been the days to follow. It has been filled with high hopes and incredible let downs...tender moments with a very alert little girl and scary ones with a 6 lb little life struggling to breath.

Yesterday afternoon, Luke and I had gone back to our room, breathing a sigh of relief that the doctor really did not feel that Madelyn was heading South. He thought we just weened her too soon and she would just require a few more days of oxygen than originally planned. Luke asked my mom to go watch her while we took a deep breath in the room. After a day of worrying and praying and worrying and praying, we were able to finally relax a little. Moments later, Luke's mom came to the room to get us. The moment I heard the words that our little one had stopped breathing in my mother's arms is a moment I will never forget. My heart aches that her sweet Grandma had to experience that, but I am so thankful for God's faithfulness and protection for our girl by allowing her to be the one to have had her in her arms.

From there, it all gets hazy. Luke and I stood by her side as they tried to stabilize her once we arrived at the NICU. Each time she stopped crying our hearts stopped because her little chest would just be still. Luke and I would frantically try to stimulate her to breath again as the nurses worked. Over and over her breathing would stop. Over and over our hearts would stop. All I know now is, we are in this limbo of wait and see. The sense of urgency that Luke and I feel to know what is causing this is not a medical sense of urgency on the doctor's part now that she is stable. She has actually been able to be on minimal oxygen through her ventilator. She has moments where she is able to breath over it...but the ventilator ensures she gets a certain number of breaths per minute, and she often lets it do the work. I am sure today will be filled with more tests...more tears...and hopefully answers.

I would love to have the time to answer all the questions, emails, facebook messages, phone calls and text messages, but the truth is...I can't. We do however want you to know that your support has played a tremendous part in our lives in the last several days. Please continue to pray for her. Please continue to spread the word to fellow believers to pray for her.

One question that I will answer is about where we are now. Madelyn was transferred to Mother Frances Hospital in Tyler to their Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. The nurses at ETMC had become almost like family as we watched them come and go each day and as they cared for our sweet girl. As much as I wish I could say we will not be here very long, I am afraid the nurses here, will too become like family. We were so grateful to see a high school friend walk in the door of the unit last night with her scrubs on. We were even more grateful to hear she was assigned to our little girl. There is no worse feeling than thinking about leaving your child's side...but knowing her nurse personally...knowing she believes...knowing she has been praying for your child before she was even born...it made the thought of laying down in the hospitality room around the corner from Maddie's room a little bit easier. We have gotten a few hours of sleep.

Now, we pray...we wait...we expect great things from our God.

*Kathryn

My sister in law will keep you updated when we are unable. We are so thankful for amazing family and friends. God is so good to our family of 3.