{a prayer journey}

Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity – a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother. ~Rose Kennedy

It's just shy of 3:30am and the rest that I hoped to get while Maddie was sleeping has yet to happen. It's not because she is not sleeping, she has proven to be such a good sleeper these last few nights. It's not even because her apnea alarm keeps sounding, although despite hopes the new one would not, it does. Sometimes I feel as though when I cannot sleep, these are the moments when God stirs my heart to pray. Too often I allow the distractions of my day to keep me from time with Him...so He wakes me. These moments have been especially tender since that Sunday in February when I found out we were expecting. Those first few weeks, praying that this life inside of me would continue to grow. That it would thrive. Having already experienced an early loss in our first year of marriage as so many women do, those nights were filled with prayers of thanksgiving that we were pregnant and prayers of desperation that we would not experience that loss again.

In the weeks to come, there were prayers for energy and a break from the constant morning, noon and night sickness that I was experiencing. Prayers that I would remain healthy so that the little one that depended on me could remain healthy as well.

When I first experienced abnormal bleeding, those were the nights that Romans 8:26 came to life for me. When I did not have the words to pray, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." When the fear was too much for me and the words were not there, still the Spirit that is in me cried out to Him.

Then there was the excitement of knowing that the "it" that was inside of me, was a girl- a little lady at that. My prayers were for her protection. Prayers that she would be shielded from harm, that although we would not be able to keep her from all the evil this world can offer, that He would be her protector.
Towards the end of my pregnancy, I was burdened to pray that her life would count for something in a big way. That she would be used by God. I prayed that Luke and I would be able to lead her to Him, so that she may then lead others. That throughout her life she would passionately pursue Him in a way that her actions led others to a relationship with Jesus.
When the bleeding persisted, my heart was so heavy. All I could do was ask God for His will to be done. That if it was His will for this little one to be with Him so soon, that He would protect my heart. I was so afraid to become attached, but I already was. We knew her name would be Madelyn Kate. We prayed for her by name. I begged God to keep her safe inside of me. We prayed that she would stay put for each milestone the doctor set before us...32 weeks...34 weeks...36 weeks...and ultimately 37 weeks and 1 day!

As the day of her arrival drew closer, there were so many prayers for her future. Prayers that she would see Jesus in us. Prayers that she would have a sweet disposition...that she would be healthy...that she would not hate us too bad when she hit middle school...that she might not cry too much...prayers that we would be able to be the parents she needs us to be. I prayed for her future husband (who may just be asleep in his crib at my dear friend Jenna's house-just saying). Prayers that God is stirring his parents to pray for him, the way He has stirred us to pray for Madelyn.

The night before she was born, I know I talked to God. I don't even remember thinking about whether she would be healthy. I just remember sheer joy and excitement, praising Him that we made it this far.

Then the night of September 24th...praying for her lungs. The next day, praising Him for her progress. Then the questions of why she was continuing to struggle. Asking Jehovah Rophe, the Lord that heals, to heal her body.Tuesday, September 29th, the day Madelyn stopped breathing for unexplained reasons and the nights that followed were like those nights early on in my pregnancy...nights when I had no words...when the spirit interceded on my behalf...when YOU interceded on our behalf...when family, friends, churches, MOPS groups, prayer warriors in South Africa, those that had seen Madelyn's story on facebook, a stranger in New York who had never really prayed before and so many others stood in the gap for us and lifted up our baby girl when we were at a loss for what to say.

Since then, there have been so many prayers of praise and thanksgiving. Endless gratitude that she is with us...Tonight as I am wide awake, my heart stirred to pray for our little one, I am reminded of the quote at the top of this post. It was on the outside of a card from some sweet church friends...

Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity – a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother. ~Rose Kennedy

Wow! I have found myself praying that the story of our little miracle baby is not the end of Madelyn's story and influence, just the beginning. That in the sleepless nights to come, this quote will continue to resonate deep within me as a reminder that how we choose to handle this gift of life...our actions...all of them...could influence so many to come. My prayer is that we do not take that lightly. What a "very challenging and exciting thought for a mother"!

*Kathryn